I know you

Dear Matteo,

Happy 1st birthday my sweet boy. One year ago you came into my world and changed me forever. Although it’s only been a year, you have been a part of my life for much longer. You were in my heart long before I saw your face. You were a part of my world before I ever held you in my arms. You were in my thoughts before I heard the sound of your little voice.

I waited and prayed for you since I was young enough to know I wanted to be a mom. The journey to meet you took longer than expected and had many twists and turns. As you get older, I hope you'll realize how Mommy never gave up and how I fought so hard to bring you into this world. Of all the babies, we waited the longest for you. Your story may not be like the others, but thats what makes you so special. I pray that you will grow up always knowing how much you are loved, how much you were wanted and how much love surrounds you. May you never question your worth, where you come from or your place in this world. You are a child of GOD! May you always be filled with that knowledge so you can grow strong, confident and know you were made in HIS image.

This year together has been the most memorable year of my life. You changed every part of my world and I'm not the same person I was on June 2nd, 2022. Nothing matters like it used to. Nothing seems as important as it used to if you're not connected to it. This year brought incredible pain, sleepless nights and emotions so deep, I didn't know if I would ever see my way out. It also brought a love I never knew existed. A love so intense and hard for me to put into words.

But I will do my best...

A Mother's love is so unique and so deep that it fills every part of who we are.You are beautifully tangled into every fiber of my world. There is not a part of my life that your presence does not reach. And what's most beautiful is that a part of my heart was was created just for you. No one else can come in and no one else can fill it like you do. It's a place God created just for us.

From hearing your heartbeat to feeling you kick, you unlocked this secret place in my heart. The 9 months I carried you were the most intense yet peaceful months of my life. Carrying you felt like the most natural thing in the world. Simply put...It was like coming home.

Once you were born I stepped deeper into that secret place and to my surprise, I found myself feeling completely lost. Carrying you was the easy part, but once you were here I didn’t know how to navigate my way around this new part of my heart. If you felt like home then how did you feel so foreign to me? How could a love so deep leave me feeling lost and broken? The peace I felt while I carried you, felt out of my grasp. I couldn’t settle into our new life together and felt so disconnected. I knew I loved you but I couldn't see past the pain I was feeling. For weeks I tried desperately to find my way back home to you.

And then it happened. About 5 weeks after you were born, I was changing you, looked into your eyes and began to cry. I looked at you and simply whispered “I know you. I know your face.”

And with those words, I instantly felt myself settle. I felt the heaviness subside and was able to breathe in a sweet peace. I took your tiny hand in mine and knew I was home again. I knew you were mine. Yours was the face I was waiting for my whole life. And just like that, I felt at home again in our new world together.

Watching you grow these last 12 months has been the greatest adventure of my life. You are strong, happy, funny and love to dance. You love to talk and love to crawl. You are a good eater, a good sleeper and have a calm spirit. You are adventurous, silly and love to clap and blow kisses. WIth every smile and every hug, I fall deeper in love and more settled in our world. You have filled all our lives with unspeakable joy and you are my most precious gift from God

I will never be perfect but I will do my best to be who you need. I thank God everyday for giving me you. I may not always get it right, but here is what I promise to be…

I will be your safe place

I will be your place of comfort

I will be your place of peace

I will be your place of unconditional love

I will be your loudest cheerleader

I will be your fiercest defender

I will be your teacher

I will be your home

And I will love you forever

I know you. I know that face. I know that heart. I know how special you are. You are a child of God. My child. Thank you for the greatest adventure of my life.

Love,

Mommy

The Lord bless you

    and keep you;

The Lord make his face shine on you

    and be gracious to you;

The Lord turn his face toward you

    and give you peace.

Number 6:24-26