Let Them Fall

Preparing

There is so much excitement in preparing for something special. Whether it’s a wedding, a vacation, a big move or even a night in with someone you love. The preparation can sometimes be the best part. It’s the big build-up, the anticipation for what’s to come. Bringing a vision to life is hard work but so rewarding.

I planned my move to Sicily for 9 months. I nurtured my vision, did everything I was supposed to. I was focused, persistent and pushed really hard on some doors that seemed to be locked.

I started preparing in September 2015 and by April 2016 everything was in place. The district approved my leave, my classroom only had a few personal items left to bring home, all my citizenship documents were translated and I had someone who was going to rent my apartment. Nothing was overlooked.

By the end of July 2016, my parents and I set off. I was going early so I could find an apartment and I also needed time for my citizenship paperwork to be finished before I started work in October.

This was it! I left my life to start a new adventure in a place so familiar and so close to my heart. I was ready to go and face the year. I was strong. I was excited. I was prepared.

So I thought.

The reality is, those first three months in Sicily were the loneliest, most isolating months I’ve ever experienced. The reality of leaving everything behind hit me like a tidal wave. Doubt and fear mixed in with uncertainty and helplessness.

My parents left me at the beginning of September just as I was about to move into my new apartment. Once they left another tidal wave hit. I had been to Sicily plenty of times for vacation but this was different. This was going to be my life, every day for the next year.

After a few days in my new apartment, I started to feel closed in. This new, unknown feeling had crept into my mind and heart. I felt scared, alone, unsure and trapped inside my new world. Little by little I became closed off and unable to walk outside my apartment without this quiet sense of fear.

Who was this girl? I didn’t recognize myself anymore. Where was my joy? My peace? I remember trying to talk about it with a close friend back home and her response was something like…“ You’re living in Sicily! It can’t be that bad. Enjoy yourself. I’m living vicariously through you.”

How could I let her down with the truth? How could I tell everyone back home that after all this excitement and planning I was now experiencing such strong sadness and even had a few panic attacks? The truth was crushing for me, so how do I convey it to people back home?

I was surrounded by new and exciting opportunities. I had beauty all around me but felt like I was in a bleak, grey prison.

Spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and professionally my life was unrecognizable.

I knew I couldn’t walk through this darkness alone so I turned to my mom and sisters and a few close friends. I told them the truth of what I was going through and they surrounded me with prayers, support and encouraging words. I forced myself to get out of the house more, reaching out to the family who was there for me in Sicily.

One Saturday afternoon I met my cousin Bruno for an espresso at a local cafe where he knows the owner. He started telling his friend about me and explained that I was in Sicily to live and teach English for the year but that I was having a difficult time adjusting. The owner said something to me I will never forget…

“To live in Sicily you have to live with open arms and an open heart.”

I heard his words, let them sink in and promised myself I would try.

Little by little I started discovering my beautiful island of Ortigia. I went out to local cafes, walked around the piazza, found new little shops, and took in the beautiful Ortigia sunsets.

I also found a new favorite spot on the rocks overlooking the water. A perfect place to read, write or just soak up the hot Sicilian sun.

By October my cousin Massi helped me find a new place to live. It was a beautiful, bright home in a more centralized neighborhood. The new home made me feel like I could breathe a little better and there were days when I thought the sadness and loneliness had started to lift. I also started my new job in October and was confident that would help. I made it through the first weekend and was hopeful for the future months to come.

Then I was blindsided by the punch in the gut life was about to throw at me.

Without going into a lot of boring details, that first week in October things just started falling apart and it all happened very quickly. Things that were out of my control were affecting my finances and I was not prepared for this added financial burden. My new job was also far from what I expected and I had no one who I was really connecting with. I was in unchartered territory and felt like I had nothing to hold on to. Nothing was working. No amount of sunshine or beauty could erase the fact that things were unraveling right before my eyes. Every area of my life was coming under attack and I was not equipped to withstand the battle.

Friday, October 14th was the turning point for me. I had another emotional breakdown as I was walking home from the grocery store. I called my mom and asked her to pray for me over the phone. My mother’s words washed over me and I just cried the entire way home. I felt a calmness come over me by the time I walked in the door.

I made myself a cup of tea, wrapped myself in my giant white comforter and collapsed on my couch. I took a few deep breaths and let the tears fall. As exhausted and depleted as I was, the tears felt calming and refreshing.

I didn’t try and stop them.

I didn’t try and wipe them away.

I let them fall…

freely down my cheeks, soaking my comforter and washing away any fight I had left.

I planned for this for 9 months. How could everything be falling apart? Was I wrong in following this dream? I was falling flat on my face and seeing everything crumble down around me. One by one, every area of life was coming undone…my job, my lack of real connections, my home, my finances, my emotional and mental state. I felt embarrassed. I felt like a failure.

As much as I tried to live with open arms and an open heart, the reality was, I was living with clenched fists and a heart full of worry. A mind that wouldn’t slow down and an internal pressure to make things work no matter the cost.

So after about 30 minutes of quiet crying, I did what I know best.

I picked up a pen and started writing to God.

“…I have never felt so lost or so confused or so disconnected. My mind is racing and I hate this feeling. This is deeper than where I’m living, or what home I’m in or how much money I have in the bank. The torment of today is too much to handle. I’m lost, alone and drowning…I surrender.”

Surrender…

That one word, that one action changed everything.

Once I wrote the word surrender, I took a deep breath and let go of everything I had been holding on to. Another tidal wave came crashing in, but this time it brought peace and freedom. It was instant. It was overwhelming. I was free from the fight. I was able to open my arms and heart and accept whatever was coming next. I felt my whole body, mind, and heart relax and settle into that unexplainable peace.

I ended my journal entry with a quote from the book I was reading at the time “In the Field of Grace” by my favorite author, Tessa Afshar

“Surrender means you accept Gods will, whatever He should choose but you lean into hope. Into expectations. Not into discouragement.”

With those final words, I closed my journal, walked up to my bedroom, cuddled up in my tear-soaked comforter and had the most peaceful nights sleep.

Saturday I woke up with clarity and direction. I knew I had to quit my job, leave Sicily and go home to the States. I needed to take a pause and regroup. I couldn’t juggle both Sicily and New Britain at the same time. I had to swallow my pride and admit that I did not plan as well as I thought, and I had to take responsibility for that. My home, finances and emotional state needed to be addressed before I could go any further. I booked my flight home for the following week. I was calm and focused and content with my decision.

Crazy how quickly things changed for me as soon as I decided to surrender and allow life to find its way back to me. That Saturday night I went out with my cousin Francesco and some friends. I was relaxed and feeling like myself again. I was able to enjoy the night and settled deeper into confidence and contentment.

I did not know it then, but that weekend I met my new life-long friend Tanya. We immediately clicked and she brought a real connection and genuine friendship to my life.

Tanya and I explored the city together. We had meaningful conversations, shared meals and laughs together and took one of the touristy-boat-trips around Ortigia.

I even found romance my last week. I reconnected with someone I met the previous year. “Max” filled my last six days with romantic dates, late night rides through Ortigia on his Vespa, bottles of wine in the hidden courtyard of Vecchio Pub and another much-needed connection. He made me laugh, made me feel beautiful and helped me fall deeper in love with Ortigia.

After an amazing, week, I flew home to Connecticut and re-organized my life in a way that was more suited to living abroad. I sold my Jeep, rented out my house in a different way and sold off everything I could think of. I spent those two months resting and preparing for my trip back to Sicily.

I kept in touch with Max and was looking forward to seeing him again when I moved back. My small group of old co-workers had grown while I was away so I also had a new, bigger group of friends waiting for me.

Those two months allowed me the chance to catch my breath and find my balance again.

I accepted the fact that things fell apart. I let go of embarrassment and failure. I let go of despair and fear.

I was now at a place of expectant hope.

That is a great place to be!

I couldn’t wait to see how things were going to be put back together.

I moved back to Sicily in January 2017 and spent the next 7 months with arms wide open and a heart full of peace. Even though things didn’t work out in a conventional way for me and Max, I am so thankful he came into my life when he did. He was a sweet, unexpected surprise and added so much joy to my life at exactly the right time. I went on to meet someone else who I created beautiful memories with. Someone who filled my days with friendship, romance and opened my eyes to many new and beautiful things in Sicily.

Living in Sicily ripped out any trace of uptight, control-freak, American tendencies I had in me. I will never allow rigidness or fear to destroy a dream ever again. I can now plan things with the perfect balance of organization and flexibility. I can go after my goals with a determined focus and excitement for the unexpected. I can embrace a vision with arms open and a heart full of joy and peace.

My beloved Sicily taught me so much that I will forever be grateful for. No more fear. No more control. No more clenched fists.

I learned to loosen my grasp when I’m holding on too tight,

breathe when I’m scared,

ask for help when I feel alone,

keep my arms and heart wide open,

let my tears fall,

rest in surrender,

and lean into hope.

Grazie Sicilia

“He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together”

Colossians 1:17

written March 2018